Is it time for the eternal honoring of our pets?

Neil Voorsanger

I worry about many things but none seems as important as the acknowledging of the eternal memories of our pets. Newspapers extol the importance of dead heroes, dead crooks, and dead politicians (the combining of crook/hero). But nowhere are our beloved house pets truly remembered.

An example of this egregious negligence is that no newspaper has an Obituary Column for loved pets who have gone on to the Elysian Fields. So I offer this sample obituary in the hopes that some newspaper might elevate this necessity to its rightful throne!

In Memory, Our Beloved Samuelette (sample obituary)

On March 15th, our beloved miniature Schnauzer, Samuelette, left us. He didn't run away, he died. We wanted to name him Samuel but we called him Samuelette so less cultivated breeds might just sniff him rather than eat him.

From birth, Samuelette exhibited his brilliance by becoming house trained in only three hours and later graduating with honors from the Hampshire Preparatory Academy for Canines. As class valdedictorian, he chose as his speech the synchopating of his barks and howls with the lovely strains of Ava Maria.

After prep school he wandered for a few years seeking a career and decided to study abroad in Paris. Sadly his stay was cut short by the snippy French government who declared him Animus Non Grata for having a sexual affair with the Prime Minster’s underage French Poodle. He was returned by US Immigration to our family to serve his remaining days as an advisor and bon vivant.

There are so many reasons to remember Samuelette but we offer these few. As everyone knows our family is rich and famous because of the launching of our fabulous business enterprise. When we were considering which business plan to pursue we were torn between business plans A or B. We placed both business plans on the carpet. Samuelette strode over and urinated on Plan B. Obviously Plan A was the winning plan.

Another example -- When a family member elected to pursue the fine arts, his first painting was a delightful and whimsical portrait in oils. At the art opening, an art critic peered over his glasses and snorted,

“This painting is so lacking in talent, art classes for a millennium will use this portrait as an example to scorn…”

at which Samuelette sank his twenty-eight teeth into the leg of the critic. Only after EMS arrived with the Jaws of Death, was the critic freed. The art critic’s leg was rightfully amputated and Samuelette was arrested for assault. The prosecutor aggressively made his case, demanding thirty lashes and jail time. The jury nullified the decision after Samuelette smiled at them from the witness box.

As further evidence of why we loved Samuelette after we installed a Clapper in our house, upon our return at night Samuelette would bark to turn on the lights. He cherished this task. But one night, as often with genius, the dark side of Samuelette emerged. Because we had forgotten his extra helpings of froi grois and champagne, he barked not once but twice, turning on the lights then immediately turning off the lights so he could watch us flail and trip in the dark, as we crashed to the floor. To Samuelette’s eternal dismay, in the dark a family member tripped over a stool and crushed him to death.

The memorial service will be held on Match 31st. Please send contributions to Samuelette's favorite charity, the Foundation for Scaring Cats. Thank you.